‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.
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ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.
Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt