@SuburbanSleuth

My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.

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@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

@AntozWolf

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

@AngelaEhh

My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.

@Phook75

Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@T_Bonezzz

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt