*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.