My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
how long have you had this for?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
😂😂😂😂😂😂