@callstotheheart

My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

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@EJGomez

me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie
(X5)

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic

@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@RickAaron

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

@crmotwo

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@shwebby2

If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!

@noo_nee_noo

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!