My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.


My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.

Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive


Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.


Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.


Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months


Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US


Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.


Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.