My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

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me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic


The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.


Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*


Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.


If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German

You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!


her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!