@callstotheheart

My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

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@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@Megatronic13

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

@tastefactory

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

@MooseAllain

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.