Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My daughter’s teacher told me my child is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
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My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.
Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
’Gyno’ is what ladies say to men sliding into their DMs
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.