All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
pizza
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Erm…
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.