@XplodingUnicorn

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

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@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

@DuaneABarrett

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@AntozWolf

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@kimtopher22

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

@ADHDeanASL

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

@GrantTanaka

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad