@GrantTanaka
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
@XplodingUnicorn
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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@GrantTanaka
@UncleDuke1969
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
@IshJibber
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
@Just_Lee_
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.
And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
@_Heather82
Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
@daddydoubts
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
@psybermonkey
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
@jazmasta
If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:
– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female
@MomOnFire
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
@JasonLastname
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh