My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
This raises questions
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My brain is a bad influence on me
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The struggle is real.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Weighing up my bread heating options
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.