ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad