[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.
And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:
– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh