@iliezabeth
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
@XplodingUnicorn
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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@iliezabeth
@AnecdtlBrthCtrl
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
@DuaneABarrett
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
@Pro_Jones_
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
@DaddyJew
*tries to learn from mistakes*
*pokes son*
hey, teach me something
@AntozWolf
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
@sweet_toof
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
@kimtopher22
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
@ADHDeanASL
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
@GrantTanaka
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad