My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so