[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
You Might Also Like
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Who’s your best friend?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
me working on my assignments ^-^
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.