@brandynwiththey: My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Home_Halfway: ME: So, was I a good person on earth? GOD: Mostly ME: Mostly? GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding ME: So? GOD: Like, even when it wasn't playing ME: Yeah, that's bad GOD: And not even just to dance songs either ME: Okay I get it GOD: You barely got in here
@MrFornicator: Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
@YoungNobler: These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
@sulkywhitegirl: I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.