My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You Might Also Like
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The Birdles
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.