My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
become ungovernable
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.