My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.
Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.