My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.