My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
You Might Also Like
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Mountain Goat : )
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.