My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Boating season is upon us.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”