[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
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At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.