[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

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Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.


I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place


Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast


All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…


Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts


If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs


4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”


[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again


I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.


Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.