[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever