@LoveNLunchmeat

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

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@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@mommajessiec

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@Contwixt

FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.

@yonewt

Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.

@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

@portmanteauface

[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america