@GraceSpelman

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

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@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

@theshamingofjay

Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.

Me: Really? Aren’t you married?

@ch000ch

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

@johnlevenstein

My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.

@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid