My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?