@ItsAndyRyan Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well
@allisongeroi My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
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@ItsAndyRyan 
@EZSherlock Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
@iGreenMonk My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.
At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.
@ilovecuredmeats •a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
@MamaHuntsBest IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
@MrGeorgeWallace Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
@novicefather I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.
He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.
@jwoodham In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
@Bob_Janke This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
@dave_cactus ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.