@allisongeroi

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well

@EZSherlock

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.

@ilovecuredmeats

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@novicefather

I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

@Bob_Janke

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.