Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa