My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???