“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
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What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
oh u like geography? name every lake
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.