My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
LMAO.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.