My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.


If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.


You (dumb, hasn’t seen Fight Club): If I buy things I’ll be happy
Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I’m going to punch someone in a basement


DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*


The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.


ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive


[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?


[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!