The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”
*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?
The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?