@figgled

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

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@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

@Divergentmama

“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

@heymonroe

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?