my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.