Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee