My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you know, you know
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?