@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

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@Cheeseboy22

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@trentistweeting

[feeding baby]
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk

@FormerGrunt

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

@jonnysun

to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@TuckerFly1

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”