My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
You Might Also Like
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Seems clear enough
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”