@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

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@MomOnFire

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

@MariyaAlexander

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

@mom_ontherocks

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

@murrman5

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

@VanGobot

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@LaytesAgain

For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”