My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?