I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”