My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*