@irishrygirl

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

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@menachemkaiser

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

@juskewitch

If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.

@jessokfine

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@mack44_d

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

@jjhartinger

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

@sweetmomissa

*my kids whining*

Me: oh knock it off and grow up

*my dogs whining*

Me: oh honey, oh baby, my little pitter pat whatever do you need, wanna play ball, let’s cuddle

@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

@MarfSalvador

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags