If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A tip for those of us who work at screens all day:
1. Unclench your jaw
2. Twist your torso from side to side
3. Arch backwards til you’re upside down with your hands and feet on the floor
5. Spider crawl across the room
6. Devour someone whole
7. Haunt the witnesses
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears
ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!
RANGER: What did I just say!?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.