My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:


If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.


I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.


Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’


A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.


*my kids whining*

Me: oh knock it off and grow up

*my dogs whining*

Me: oh honey, oh baby, my little pitter pat whatever do you need, wanna play ball, let’s cuddle


Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.


her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags