My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.


If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.


How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”


me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]


Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free


COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?


WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.