My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
good work, everybody
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.