My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Every damn time
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*