@BertCarrillo

My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

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@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@Royal_Stein

Yes, I may have misheard you but this doesn’t mean I don’t want a night cat any less.

@junejuly12

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@aisha_aaron

Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house

@david8hughes

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@DaddyJew

I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid