hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.