@BertCarrillo

My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

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@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

@isabelzawtun

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

@slimpickins_

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

@weinerdog4life

Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@AdamSerwer

In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.

@flashember

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

@GingerHotDish

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????