My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

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“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.


All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.


In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned


The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.


Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.


*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*


In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.


WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot


W: Again no


I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.


to stop shrinking
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