Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.
*Updates dating profile.
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I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
An online dating service but to match you up with prospective burritos.
My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.