I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”