@AngelaEhh

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.

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@envydatropic

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@jbringsmayhem

9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”

@horacedodge

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@urmumsausername

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

@LoveNLunchmeat

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.