Good morning.
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores