My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to