@Swishergirl24

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

You Might Also Like

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@UniqueDude2

[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

@realbjdunne

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t