No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
RIP boiling water,
You will be mist.
[dinosaur naming committee]
TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl
PTERRY: I’ve got a crazy idea
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Nothing good happens in a crawl space…
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t