Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
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Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.