My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

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Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.


*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*


“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.


At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?


I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.


Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?


Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?


Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.


I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.


I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.