My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”