@BYGH

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

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@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.

@Marlebean

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

@michaelianblack

“God” not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don’t worship God. “Money” mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@UhhhJasonWebb

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

@Sickayduh

Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?

@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@dksc4life

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

@writeden

I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.