@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

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@MichaelJTiberi

Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.

@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@Smethanie

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

@portmanteauface

City buses overheating their air brakes in very slow traffic sound exactly like whale songs. Especially with the right echo. With enough imagination, rush hour in the Lincoln Tunnel is like being in the world’s most obnoxious nature documentary.

@frankiemuniz

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.