huge if true: the moon
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Stop making fast and furious movies.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.