Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
hmmm
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.