I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*