If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to