My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
An odd boast
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring