friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??