my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Love is in the air fryer.