My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face