@Nikkeya08

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

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@Smooheed

My four levels of drunk:

1. Bouncy
2. Slide-y
3. Slurry
4. Turtle stuck on its back

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@sageboggs

ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Fred_Delicious

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@ItsAndyRyan

“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”

@urmumsausername

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

@TheAlexNevil

Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face