If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them