My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
This kinda thing happens to me often
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.