my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?