@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

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@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.

@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@JKickinit30

[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…

@Barknado69

Waiter: how did you two meet

Me: this is actually a blind date

W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET

@StymieBrewer

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@jonnysun

[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@VerifiedJayy

According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

@JasonLastname

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.