My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.