@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

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@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@Staggfilms

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

@kellysdf

Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@Divergentmama

As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.

@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

@CrockettForReal

You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@thenatewolf

*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers

@withanewname

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No