My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!


What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


Apparently, if you Google “boss” and “chloroform” from your work computer, it sets off an alarm somewhere.


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup


As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.


Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *


You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.


*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers


[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No