my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

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Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”


It’s spooky how many kids look like their owners.


Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.


“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.


I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.


Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!


just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”


“What subjects do you toot?”


There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.


My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.