my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.